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I've been reading through post after post, and I still haven't gotten through all of this thread, which is quickly approachy 1000 posts......that says a lot. I keep reading posts and thinking "oh, i need to respond to that", but then I find another and's endless. I'm so overwhelmed. One day I'm going to go back and read through every post I've missed and reread the ones I've read already.

We've all felt this loss deeply. Hordes of people are joining frenz and posting for the first time as a result of Paul's death. We all feel the need to rally together, amongst people who understand how we feel.

Here I am, in the Canadian Prairies, surrounded by people who don't even know who he is. There is no park to visit, no program on tv to watch, no radio tribute, no newspaper obituary to read, and nobody to talk to about Paul. Where I live, it's as though he never existed, yet I still feel the void he has left behind.

I don't know a single person irl who can relate to how I feel. Even my hubby seemed almost amused that I was so upset by his death. The reasons it has affected me so are many, and he can't begin to understand. This all happened as my kids were starting spring break, so I've been home with them everyday, not having the time to myself I've wanted, to reflect, remember and grieve. I wish spring break had occurred the week prior or following......the timing was terrible. Now here I am, seemingly an eternity later, posting here, yet again.........and How Will You Go has just begun playing on my stereo. Something so forefront in my mind, and I can't even talk to anyone about it.....that's so unfair. Today I am very thankful for the internet, and for all of you Smiler

Hugs to everyone. Love and Peace to all affected by his death. Paul, I hope you are free at last. You live on, in all of us, always.
This is my first post... been thinking all week about what i would like to say. Been a fan both passing and fanatical since '91 of all things finn, and paul was such an integeral reason for me loving Crowded House.

Sat on the train last night listening to recurring dream and one track from the end Better Be Home Soon comes on, and it tore me up. Flying from London to Cologne on Thursday morning and having no one around me here who understands this loss i cannot wait to be surrounded by other fans infront of tim and neil.

I've only just managed to start listening/watching recordings of CH, feeling sad, angry and confused, but paul still manages to make me smile. my heart goes out to his family and friends, their loss far outweighs mine.

Dreaming of glory, miles above the mountains and plains, free at last.

much love paulo, but not goodbye.
Purpleams, I know I wish there was something more I could do for those guys, too.

Originally posted by Helend:
[qb] Well...hessie is laughing his butt off at my hubby atm...
Hubby just called me from work...he said ya mate hessie has just had a laugh at me...I asked him why...he hadnt turned on the cd player until about half way to work you see....and as I have been playing ch songs will we say this...ummm...rather loudly in the car it started playing a song...full pelt with hessie drummimg madly...hubby said he jumped so high he nearly ran off the road...he said it wasnt till he looked down at the cd player and relized what song was playing...he said he burst out laughing yelling out to hessie..."thanks mate".
I think its fantastic...and sheading another tear or two here thinking of hessie up there pissing himself laughing...he would of loved that. [/qb]
LOL, I can believe that. That's hilarious Big Grin .

I had Italian Plastic in my head all this morning. *grim smile*

Like someone said before, the drums and that voice in the background sound so much louder now, like Paul's trying to say, "I'm still here!"

I so badly wish I could go down to the park. It would bring me back to earth just to go there. And it'd be really nice to meet some of you frenz. I really wanted to go back to Australia this summer holiday, and I was already devastated that I couldn't...

Here's an article someone posted on the board, I'm sorry if someone here has already posted it:

Royal Albert Hall: Not quite a Victorian Mourning

28 March, 2005

The Finns came on in Trojan Horse guise - a two-man horse suit. I don't think they would have known what to do without some kind of prop like that. It was an atmosphere of almost desperate foolery - the kind that so often submerges the troubles beneath. The audience mood was sombre and almost subdued at first. But Nick Seymour was given a welcome only matched by the silence of Paul Hester's hat sitting on the snare drum that was his trademark for so many years. A large black hanging linen sheet cut the stage in two. Veiling the back of the stage so as to emphasise the three musicians and snare drum at the front it was more than mere symbolism: it showed us that this show was both a wake and a memorial for Hester.

Then the music began. For the first four songs it was just the Finn brothers and Nick Seymour on stage. There was some awkwardness in the first two songs of this 'pre-set set' - musically and of course emotionally - at the beginning with a kind of wandering in chord and tune before the verses began. The kind of musical wandering that used to occur so often in the middle and at the end of songs of 'high period' Crowded House (pre-94 or thereabouts). Then, it was playful and often formed the basis of ridiculous and of course, ridiculously funny, ad libs. Now, tonight at least, it seemed to be a way for the Finns and Seymour to find an entry into songs that can hold so much grief.

I say 'can', because following Don't Dream It's Over and especially Fall At Your Feet, they moved from being songs of personal individual grief to songs of shared grief, of comfort and solidarity. The shift occurred with the audience becoming as much performers as were the three men on the stage. When Neil and later Tim appealed to the audience to sing what they - possibly - could not and the Hall was drowned with a communal voice of the chorus of Fall At Your Feet, their tension and awkwardness seemed to melt. Four Seasons in One Day followed with a spare and quiet dignity; the metaphoric quality of the lyrics has never been quite so important.

Tim summed up the mood when he said that tonight 'we need to sing together some more'. What he meant was that pain shifted onto music may be dissolved, however briefly. What he didn't say was that this was necessary to get through the sense of bewilderment Paul Hester�s family, friends and fans are experiencing.

It wasn't all heavy and sombre however. Paul's classic - Italian Plastic - followed, mainly in chorus form with affectionate commentary and banter throughout. Neil related how Paul had inadvertently created a gay anthem for Italy by confusing bambino with bambina. It's certainly the kind of legacy Paul would have wanted.

Seymour left the stage and the Finns' full band played throughout the bulk of the main show set. Songs from all periods followed. From the current Finn Brothers album to Enz material such as Dirty Creature and Six Months in a Leaky Boat to several classic Crowded House songs. The full band sound was in contrast to the terrible intimacy of the first set and just couldn�t compete. Which isn�t to say it wasn�t heartfelt � of course it was � and the mood set earlier on continued and deepened.

The first encore continued with the Finns and their band though the second was more special. Nick came back on stage and after some prodding from Neil that 'we're playing it in A you know', on his borrowed bass they launched into Throw Your Arms Around Me. This is a song that has the capacity to unite drunken enemies the Antipodes over and is a common choice for encore. Always powerful, tonight it was wrenching. Singing along to 'And we may never meet again...So shed your skin and let's get started... you will throw your arms around me' had a terrible poignancy. Watching the Finn Brothers play a song written by Nick's brother Mark brought home the close bonds - kinship and friendship - that have been forged and strengthened through this music over the last three decades. When they break, we all feel them.

Nothing in the whole show could have matched the Hunters and Collectors classic for pure emotion. It could only wind down from there on. The Finns next chose an old Enz song, Sweet Dreams, sung in a wistful and understated manner and then ultimately closed with Better Be Home Soon. So many songs tonight took on new and sometimes terrible meanings � the marker of a good lyric � and it is to the Finn Brothers� credit that they chose to pay tribute through the music rather than attempting to form into words the immense grief and loss felt throughout the Hall and indeed throughout the whole Frenz world at this time.

Neil did make one small attempt at summing up the collective grief: ��you know we�re all really f***ed up at the moment��

Understated and perfect.
And yeah, I don't think anything could have been a better closer than Better Be Home Soon. It sounds so fitting now.

Somewhere deep inside, something's got a hold on you
And it's pushing me aside, see it stretch on forever...

And I know I'm right, for the first time in my life
That's why I tell you
You'd better be home soon

Stripping back the coats of lies and deception
Back to nothingness, like a week in the desert

And I know I'm right, for the first time in my life
That's why I tell you
You'd better be home soon

So don't say no
Don't say nothing's wrong
Cos when you get back home
Maybe I'll be gone...


It would cause me pain if we were to end it
But I could start again - you can depend on it...

Hmm, no more to say.

Thanks again for all the articles especially the John Clifforth one and the big one with Deb Conway.

Thanks for the story about your husband helen Smiler Very Hessie.

Such a nice coincidence with the weather too, both in Melbourne and Brisbane. Sunday night in Sisaket was cold and windy. I couldn't sleep all night, listening to Crowdies. It was still gloomy in the morning, but got all hot and sunny really quickly. Hmm, not very nice actually lol I would have preferred rain.

half-full, I'm sorry you don't have any frenz around in the physical world. I've heard from many people on this board about their wonderful partners and children who love the music too, and I think they're really lucky. But that's okay - we still have each other Smiler
It has taken some time for us to collect our thoughts and know what to write as to be honest we have been in a daze for the last week. If we have felt like this then we dread to think how Pauls close family and friends must be feeling.

We were at the Albert Hall Concert on Monday 28th March and not having seen any news or newspapers we were unaware before that point of the dreadful news that awaited. We sensed a different atmosphere to normal but hoped we were imagining it. The realisation soon hit home that Paul was no longer with us. We didn't find out the full news until we got home. Thats when it truly hit us. We wish we had known before the concert as we left feeling very deflated and confused. We felt guilty for going in with the intention of enjoying ourselves and obviously were not on the same level as those who knew. Were we the only ones to feel this??????

Neil & Tim put on a great performance in what must have been unbelievably hard circumstances for them. It was great to see Nick again if only it had been in happier times. Neil was obviously struggling but was helped along by Tim.

Thankfully we have managed to get tickets for the rescheduled Portsmouth gig next week. It may sound silly but it will somehow enable us to say goodbye properly surrounded by people who feel the same as us about this tragic loss. We can't believe they are coming back so soon to continue the tour but feel it shows that the relationship they have with their fans is on another level.

Can't believe he's gone, we never got the chance to see him live. We had always hoped that one day the group would reunite. Now that will never be. Our thoughts are with his family and friends

We would just like to say thanks for the memories Paul, you were unique. R.I.P
Hope you've found your peace now xx
'........they come, they come to build a wall between us, we know they won't win'
Good morning, I hate it when people tell me their dreams cause its hard to understand what their saying as it is all mixed up.
But i did have a dream Saturday night though and to me i feel it was fairly straight forward.

I was in a house with Paul just talking about everyday stuff, and someone knocked on the door and told him it was time to go, then all this water started coming in the house, i had a hold of Pauls hand asking him to stay and he looked me in the eye, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said
" It is my time to go now, please let me go, i need to go and i cant stop it".

He then walked out and quietly shut the door.

Maybe this is my sub-concious telling me its ok to let go, as people move on and so do the ones we love when they cross over.

Reading back through posts from 2004 it brings a smile, as this is how things were before any tradgedy hit. The normal things we take for granted.

We all miss him and his memory will live on
Easter Monday - wake up to the news, in absolute shock all day, disbelief.
Tuesday, and Wednesday - hoping beyond hope that it is all a mistake and everything is fine
Thursday, and Friday - hoping that it is a sick but forgivable April Fools joke.

All the time knowing it is true, but not able to accept it yet.

Saturday and Sunday - Overdose on all things CH and SE and Paul. Accepting, healing, even manage to smile at his antics.

Monday, and Tuesday - He has been laid to rest, the tears have eased, I have said goodbye, but I still want to make a tribute to Pauls life. So, today I am going out to order my piano. I used to play when I was younger and have wanted to get back into it but I am always too busy or use money for other things. Now I have been inspired. I need to indulge in my love of music and what better way to honour his love of music than to pass it onto my two children. It wasnt his intrument of choice but it was CH who inspired me all those years ago, and it is now Pauls life that has encouraged me to get into it again. I cant wait to turn the stereo up and 'jam'. Thankyou Paul.
Please dont say "Maybe I'm not worth it..."Tanchira, my mind is a very complex place at the moment, and i was watching the Max sessions when i fell asleep, so my mind was on Paul,dreams are complex things, hard to work out.
You will dream of Paul on your own level, even if you dont think you have, keep an open mind.

He comes to everyone through music and laughter.

I lay in bed at night and talk to my dad and mum, hubbie thinks i'm crazy muttering to myself through the night, but it helps i know they hear me, so will Paul give it a try , it helps.
I had a dream too, one night last week, it didn't feature Paul but a lady that I know. We were all in a house that I did not recognise and we were looking out the window at a big area of trees. I was asking someone where this lady was and she took me downstairs, we got into a car and we drove past the trees. She pointed to one and said, "That was the tree where they found her". And then the lady was in the car with me saying, "I'm fine thanks"....I suppose you could take that any way you wanted, but I like to think it was Paul saying, "I'm fine now, don't worry about me".

I don't usually remember dreams that clearly but when I woke up I thought, Oh...he's ok. It's been a little easier since then.
I have finally come to accept that Paul is no longer with us. My tears have slowly come to an end but thoughts of him continue on. I cannot get the picture of PAul and the tree out of my mind.

I have had a look at my own life and will be making a few majour adjustments which is a good thing I think.

Paul grabbed hold of life and had it by the balls (so too speak) and I think that is a wonderful way to live.

So in memory of Paul I'm going to try to live like that too.

Thanks Paul
I've tried going to bed with Crowded House on repeat on my iPod...didn't work, instead I just couldn't sleep, I had to listen. Oh well.

Tanchira, dont try too hard or your just gunna stress yourself out. Dreams will come when your ready. Just go to sleep as you normally do.

I looked after my dad full time when he was dying, and we spoke of whats in store 4 him, we made a pact that when he finally went he would try and get a yellow rose to me somehow so i knew he was ok. He died on the thurs, come sat night i went to a friends b-day, and when i walked in a friend walked up 2 me with 3 yellow roses(i have 2 bros as well). I just cried, and she didnt realise what she had done, unknowingly passed on my message from dad that he is ok and with those who he loves. She picked them on the thurs he died , said she just felt the urge to pick the yellow ones.

I have sent an email to marketing management at Max channel asking if they may release in the future a tribute dvd to Paul, as a lot of people who wont get to see the images we do here.

I too have re-assessed things around me Kattybabe.
I felt like being stupid at shopping last night(mind you i am 31) and i did, skipping around woolies, singing CH, saying hello to people i dont even know. My Hubbie was laughing so hard he said shopping has never been so much fun.
So thanks Paul for the inspiration.
"Appreciate and validate those around you today, as you may not get the chance later"

Big Grin
Thanks to everyone for the words & connectedness that is found here. It does help.

Half-Full I know what you mean- no park, tv or radio. I wish I were able to go to one of the upcoming concerts but life is too scheduled right now with stuff I can't get out of easily. At least it is finally getting easier to start listening to the music again, and reading the articles provides some understanding.

Just when I gave up on explaining to all the non-Frenz why I have been moping around lately my sister called and reduced me to tears by explaining some of how I was feeling with a pretty good explanation of why. She was with me through my discovery of SE and CH, so she honestly knew and did not judge. It was a huge relief!

Now, if only I could find (and had time to watch) some of those hilarious videos you all keep talking about...until then I will just keep living vicariously through this site.
Thanks again!
Wow nernan that is such a powerful story. I had this dream/presence thing going on when I woke in the middle of the night last week. It was probably my mind just working through things after being filled with thoughts of no-one else but Paul for days, but it was still quite um, discomfiting. I did get this idea though that everything was alright, y'know? After that I've just let this sadness kinda wash over me, knowing that the overwhelming part will pass one day. Anyway your story has comforted me and whether *I* was just dreaming or not, (of course I was) it is helping me move on some.
Mmm, things were initially very upsetting of course, but as time has gone on, the 'humour' is returning... that unmistakable spirit of Hessie... The joy with which he approached his drumming in CH is so clearly audible in every spin of the disc, even on the sadder songs, it's impossible not to feel glad that we had Paul for as long as we did. We're all the better for it Smiler
This is the second and probably last post I'll do in my life. I've been coming here every day since I heard the news and I feel some comfort that others feel the same as I do. I've been thinking of Paul constantly and will miss him forever.

I was in the CH fan club for some eight years and saw them play EVERY TIME they came to town. I have followed the ups and downs in their collective lives for the last 18 years - they are like family to me although I've never been so lucky as to meet any of them.

My heart is heavy and although I will move on from how I feel today, I will never forget.

Goodbye Paul - I give thanks for your life because it made mine a joy!


"Many battles are lost"
Thanks to Shaani, Steve and Tash for the "humble gathering between humans" on Sunday arvo down at Roma Street Parklands. It felt really comfortable talking with you guys and it was a really nice opportunity to chat about Paul and sort of see him off. Just one more case of Paul injecting positivity into the world.

This story may be a bit off for some people, but I wanted to share it as I found it to be a little humorous moment in a dark subject. I have found that for the past week, I keep relating things to Paul, everything reminds me of him. This got to the point of the ridiculous on Sunday. I had been eating a banana and I threw the peel into a public garden as I passed. It landed on a branch and hung down from the branch and I immediately thought of Paul. Then I giggled at myself at how silly I was becoming in relating everything to Hesto. Hope that's not too sick or dark.

karenw, whether B&W Boy is about Hessie, Lester or even Michael Jackson has long been the subject of debate amongst CH fans. About the only thing known for sure is that Neil confirmed it's not about Michael Jackson or about racism.
It has been amazing reading these posts here - I posted earlier last week - not understanding why I was so devastated - was and still am a crowdie fan but more than that was a huge Hessie fan - loved him on the Molloy Show and on Hessie's Shed. Have laughed and cried in the last week and been so touched by all the posts I have read here.

I think, for me, one of the reasons it is so hard to deal with is that Hessie was so vibrant and happy and full of life - when I was feeling bleak - he made me laugh - he appeard to 'have it all' - to realise that someone of his calibre can also be suffering made me question all my desires - I thought being financially independent and well known and loved would help me overcome all my issues - obviously it doesn't and that frightens me - I think it frightens all of us.

Thank you all for sharing your grief and memories - it has touched my heart to know that other people are feeling the same.

For all of you that missed the fantastic tribute on MMM last friday - they have kindly posted it on their website -

Take care - each and every one of you - It has been amazing coming in here everyday and feeling the love.

Originally posted by annamoty:
Monday, and Tuesday - He has been laid to rest, the tears have eased, I have said goodbye, but I still want to make a tribute to Pauls life. So, today I am going out to order my piano. I used to play when I was younger and have wanted to get back into it but I am always too busy or use money for other things. Now I have been inspired. I need to indulge in my love of music and what better way to honour his love of music than to pass it onto my two children. It wasnt his intrument of choice but it was CH who inspired me all those years ago, and it is now Pauls life that has encouraged me to get into it again. I cant wait to turn the stereo up and 'jam'. Thankyou Paul. [/qb]
I feel exactly the same way annomity. I've been meaning to take up the guitar and piano again for ages. The urge has been strong over the last few months, but Hessie has inspired me.

Thank you Annomity, and thank you Hessie.
I have held off writing in the forum as I have not known what to say. A deep sense of sadness and loss fills me knowing that someone so talented and beautiful as Paul has departed us.

Paul, Neil and Nick have been an influencial and vital part of my life since 1987 at the tender age of 14. Throughout the years their music and humour has always been a deep foundation of truth and inspiration for me. As I was growing up, learning about life and myself, I have always felt a deep sense of familiarity with their music, and as a fan, embraced them as part of my life.

I know it may sound strange, but the loss of Paul is like losing a brother, which I did in March of 1987. The boys have, and will always be a part of my life.

My love goes out to Pauls family and loved ones, and everyone who ever had the pleasure of knowing him. I still cannot believe your gone dear Paul,

Niss xo

'All I ask, is to live each moment free from the last'
cried again but was so good to see it. i was more upset by the rockwiz screening where , as other have said, he didnt seem "himself" i'd much rather remember him with laughter than sorrow even though they are hand in hand tonight.
my heart breaks for Paul and the way he must have been feeling in his last days here on the planet but know he is now free from whatever it was, so mostly it breaks for his daughters, and the people who loved him and for everyone else left here who's life has a big "Hessie hole" the journey they/we stil have to go through to find some way to fit this into their/our lives is a long one.

I am just trying to be greatful for the time Paulo spent with us and acknowledge the difference he made in my life and give thanks in whatever way i can.

Grief is a funny thing it goes bacwards and forwards and has no care for time or circumstance, you just gradually learn to mesh it in with the future you.

dont beat yourself up about feeling like you have *regressed* in your grief , there are no rules and you are among freinds.

It was so good watching that episode again of Hessie's Shed. It was a sweet reminder of why we love those guys so much. I laughed my head off when Neil was telling the story of the fight him and Paul had in Milan. I'm still laughing. I'm not even sure why I find it so amusing but it was very funny. I, personally at this point feel refreshed and renewed from watching it. Probably because Paul was in his element and that's the way I like to remember him......

The center of attention, center stage with the band he loved, with the people he loved and the people who loved him, running his own show, calling the shots, having an audience and most of all bringing his fans pleasure.
The ultimate entertainer!
Thank you Paul......
It has been really painful. I have read these posts over the days as I am sure so many of you out there have been doing. I have been reading for various reasons, from laughing at all the stories telling of Pauls antics, to crying as I read how he touched so many lives and yet had such a hard time dealing with his own soul.

Growing up is South Africa I can honestly say that there was never a home, pub, restaurant or entertainment venue that failed to have a good supply of Crowded House in their collection. To be honest days relaxing in the open you could be sure that CH would be blaring out of car speakers' somewhere. So I can honestly say that I fell in love with the band, the words that seemed to cut like a knife and then heal like a precious balm. CH was there through all the good times and not so good but the main thing is that they were always there!!!

I went to see the Finn Brothers at RAH on the 30 March 05 with my husband. I was crushed from the moment the Brothers walked on stage. I knew that they were dealing with so much emotion and to be honest the entire place had an energy that was so "giving" to the Brothers, as they gave to us through that dark time. When Nick came on stage I broke down. I sang through my tears and hugged my husband grateful to share the experience with the person I love. It was CH but minus such an impotant element.

I saw CH in South Africa and loved them then as much as I love them now and my one wish was to see them reunite (I was determined to be in that crowded crowd) Now never to be ....or at least never to be the same.

I have found it hard to explain how shocked I was to read about Paul's death. It was on Tuesday 29/03/05 on the grubby tube, making my way to work. It was printed in the Metro (a free newspaper) of his suicide and I felt sick. I just wanted to get off the tube and be ill. Like so many of you I just wanted it to be one of Paul's many)jokes. Sadly that was not the case and as I followed this board I realised that like all of you I have lost and you have lost but at least we have one another.

I could not bring myself to write of my pain but I found the words that best describe how I feel. I apologise to the original author in advance for using his words!

Every suicide gives us a jolt, a shock, that makes us wonder about those last awful days and hours and what might have been. Some entertain savior fantasies while others wonder about last words, last thoughts, etc. I�ve always thought it was worse, somehow, whenever an artist does it. It tore me up when Hunter Thompson shot himself, last month. When you experience a writer or a musician�s art, it happens between your own ears, in your own head. Even if you have never met the person, they have still spent time inside your head, sometimes hours and hours.

It�s tough. You feel cheated. You feel unappreciated. You feel angry. You feel sad. You feel anxious. As with all Good Art, you feel.

It�s hard to resolve a lot of that in ways that make sense, I think. Harder than any other civilian save for Family. You look at video clips and see them smiling and seemingly enjoying themselves and it�s hard to balance that with their passing.

Thank you all so very much for the time you have taken to post here, for allowing me to cry and laugh and heal.

I love you all!

Paul if messages can get to you in your place of peace I just want you to know that I loved watching you perform. You will always remain my favourite musician and entertainer. Thank you for what you and CH gave the world. Luvya
Grief is quite a varying experience at the moment. On Sunday I went to the park and said goodbye to Paul....or so I thought. For the rest of that day, I felt I had achieved some sort of closure knowing exactly where he had been and the sights he had seen. Enormous comfort was taken from the fact that he was finally put to rest that day.

Temporarily,the tears started to slow and listening to the music brought much needed comfort. However, given the reality of the situation, it is very difficult to stop yourself from trying to understand and imagining what he was feeling and thinking in those last hours and minutes. It is these things which bring back tears to my eyes now.

It will take me a long time to move past times, I am still find it hard to believe what's happened but I know that in time, complete acceptance will come.

I remind myself that Paul is finally at peace with himself and the world. It's just so sad to think of a life without him.......everytime I hear that sweet voice it reminds me of what we have lost and the pain he must've gone through. I try to cheer myself up at times like that by listening to my Crowded House Newcastle CD.........the banter at the very end always brings a smile to my face! Big Grin ARE a will live forever in the hearts and minds of the millions of people around the world that you touched with your talent, charm and comic genius. What will we do without you?

Love you always

It was good watching Hessie's Shed - although I nearly lost it when they sang "She Will Have Her Way" as it is a song that has a special significance for me (apart from the fact that Neil actually sang it for me on a live webcast he did from his studio, after my husband requested him too!!) I had never seen Paul sing or play it, but now I have......sigh..

They had us laughing out loud more than a few times (I loved how Neil explained how most shows they had done in the past were so organised and that he told Hessie if he ever got his own show and it wasn't that rehearsed etc, there was a 'tenner' in it for him - then explained further when he rolled up at the studio for this taping, he quickly realised no-one knew what the 'f*#k was going on"!! And he thought to himself, "Hessie did it!!" And then he said that Hessie always said it was all up here (pointing to his head)!! Cracked me up, cause I can so relate to that!!

I have also been amazed how some of you have followed such a similar path with me, as far as the grieving process goes. Having dealt with losing a loved one before, I learnt that everyone has to grieve in their own way (don't let ANYONE try and tell you how to grieve!!) When my husband told me on Saturday night, I was in shock, and remained that way for the best part of a week. I couldn't listen to any CH or Enz stuff (hubby was in the other room watching the impromptu tribute on MAX) but I was simply not ready to do that.

I watched Rockwhiz on the following Saturday night, and it upset me deeply. I could see that the spark had gone from our dear little sprite, Paul. I didn't sleep well that night.

There had been many rumours as to when the funeral would be (kudos to Peter for managing to avoid any media finding out with a red herring or two - brilliant) whether it had taken place on the Friday, or the Saturday, or would be held on the Sunday.

I started watching the Max "Loving Paul Hester" tribute at midnight on the Saturday, and grabbed an hour or two fitful sleep at about 4am. When I woke up, I just stayed in bed watching it. Just before midday (I kid you not) I started to feel really, really, sad and the tears that had been evading me, started to fall - I was stifling the sobs, because I didn't want my son to see me upset (how silly is that??). My hubby wandered in to see me, to find me completely overwhelmed and we just sat together and watched the tribute for the next few hours.

At about 2.30pm (with my eyes stinging like mad from crying so much) I decided I needed to go outside and get my hands into some dirt (gardening is my refuge) and just try and get my head straight. I bought my husband a New Zealand Flax plant just over a year ago and it needed repotting badly. I had gone out the day before and bought a lovely big pot for it. On repotting it, I had to split it, as they kind of multiply - and what did it split into? 3 of course! So, it is now repotted, and our own little memorial to Paul and Crowded House.

When my husband and I first met (you could get a novel out of THAT experience :-) apart from that unmistakable 'chemistry' (or lust LOL) we discovered - we also found that we both loved Crowded House - we knew then we were a perfect match! That was 17 years ago now and we celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary this year. I can't thank my husband enough for staying with me all this time and being there for me when the 'dark, black chasm' threatens to swallow me up!! I couldn't make it without him.

Sorry this post is long again - yes, I tend to be a bit verbose :-( Am working on that ;-) I just want to encourage all of you to grieve in your own special way - whatever makes YOU feel right. For those who are far away and not in the company of others who understand what you are going through, well you just have to come here :-)

We will all be able to share our thoughts and stories about Paul one day soon, and laugh instead of cry. I just hope you all stick around for that, because that sure as hell would have put a smile on his beautiful face!

Paul, you will never be forgotten and thank you for allowing us to share some of your journey with you - even if from an admiring distance.
Am just listening to the Triple J Tribute to Paul for the fourth time today and it still makes me laugh hysterically! The crowdies just had something so special on stage...

Can I just agree with some of the posts here - it does feel a little like I am starting to heal. That I can laugh instead of cry at this tribute means so much to me...

Thank you to everyone on this forum for helping me get through the last few days - I won't forget it... *hugs* to all...
Originally posted by anything can happen:
[qb] Am just listening to the Triple J Tribute to Paul for the fourth time today and it still makes me laugh hysterically! The crowdies just had something so special on stage...

Can I just agree with some of the posts here - it does feel a little like I am starting to heal. That I can laugh instead of cry at this tribute means so much to me...

Thank you to everyone on this forum for helping me get through the last few days - I won't forget it... *hugs* to all... [/qb]
I totally agree...after the awful news last week I figured that it would be heart-wrenching to listen to CH music/watch videos, esp. live tracks. but I was wrong...I found myself laughing aloud and smiling at Paul's drumming and antics. I listened to the Detroit Rock City fanclub CD last night for the first time ever...I was fortunate to be at that show, back in '91. had forgotten (listening to the CD reminded me) about Paul's comments on the then (and again) NBA champion Detroit Pistons. and his drumming was off the hook!

anyhow, it's good to read others' comments and realize that Paul is managing to make many of us smile despite the sadness. I hope his family and friends are smiling, too.
Don't think this has been posted yet:

Celebration of Hester's dreams
Nui Te Koha

PAUL Hester set his boundaries.

"I have outlined two pages in the Melway in red and I'm not moving outside those lines," Hester told the Herald Sun in 1996.

"My life revolves around page 58 and 59 of the Melway. If I can somehow generate all my work from those pages, and somehow get it to the rest of the world, that's the ticket, man."

Late yesterday, Paul Hester's world -- his family and closest friends -- converged near the middle of those street directory references to remember a man and his life.

Hester, 46, former Split Enz and Crowded House drummer, took his own life on March 26. He had a long battle with depression.

Hester was buried at his birth town Blackwood, northwest of Melbourne, on Sunday.

Yesterday, in a memorial service at Ripponlea, Hester's family praised his love and light and cursed his dark spiral and tragic death.

"My most precious memories are sitting in the most boring, cramped dressing rooms at television stations, just amusing each other," former Crowded House frontman Neil Finn said. "The love that sprung up at those times, and the support, I will carry with me forever."

Finn said he truly appreciated Hester's musical chops after the drummer left Crowded House in 1994.

"I never knew how great Paul was for me, how much he gave me, how incredibly important the chemistry was, until much later, when I was trying to show drummer after drummer how to play the brushes properly on Four Seasons In One Day.

"Not one bugger got it," Finn said.

"I realised how professional Paul's groove was and how genetically in synch we were.

"It was an accident, but it was a beautiful one. A fate that drew us all together," he said.

Hester had dreams about pop stardom at age 8. "My ambitions," Hester wrote in his diary in October 1967, "to become a leading drummer in the world, and have a successful pop group." His family and friends yesterday applauded a dream fulfilled.

The young Hester said his faults included a lack of patience. "Also, I act rather stupid just to impress my friends," he wrote. "I would rather be a quiet kid who just sat there, and did a couple of funny things, and not act stupid. But I am blessed with skil," Hester wrote, misspelling the last word.

About 200 people attended Hester's memorial yesterday. Kutcha Edwards sang of his heartbreak in a tune he wrote for Hester.

"All hope is gone," Edwards wrote. "When I need a hand, no one is there."

Anyone with personal problems can call Care Ring on 136 169 or Lifeline on 131 114.
Thank you Peter for your latest diary entry! You have taken away some of the mystery....filled in some blanks I guess you could say! Thanks for sharing those difficult times with us...a very touching read with a few classic chuckles thrown in for good measure!!

Let's hope that we fans can find similar closure soon.........I think we are all limited at the moment in the healing process because we have not had any.....we need to publically acknowledge, celebrate and farewell Paul's life on a larger scale (not just the few people attending the Memorial later today!). What about the thousands of others who need this too? I hope that happens soon...then the healing can REALLY start.

I still cannot stop thinking about the finality of it all...the world will miss you so much Paul. I'm sure he would have loved everyone gathering on the streets that belonged to him! I can only imagine the sorrowful heavy hearts off all 200 that attended Pauls send off. As we all know from reading these posts ,each of us have our own special ways of dealing with our sorrows. I wish for everyone that loved Paul..happy and sweet memories of a man that was so important to so many.
We love ya Paul...color in the sky for us!
Along with many others, I am deeply saddened by the news of Paul leaving us.
For me, Paul was the real spirit of Crowded House. Anyone who was lucky enough to see him at any of the Crowdie's live shows knows what I'm referring to. The part of the night when Paul would bring his drum forward, was always a highlight. As well as his legendary banter! For me, those shows will never be bettered by anyone. I've always felt that, and I always will.

A potential frontman at the back of the drumkit!

Neil referred to Paul as the most soulful drummer he'd ever worked with. As well as being musically talented, his sense of humour was genius and he was genuinely a great guy.

I hope he has found some peace, and my thoughts go out to his friends and family.

I will never forget the dozens of Crowded House gigs I was lucky enough to witness Paul's genius. The 'lo-lo's at the Town and Country, the mtv's most wanted auditions, the version of Throw Your Arms Around Me adapted for Johnnie Walker on BBC Radio 2. The list is endless and the collection of music and banter is vast.

Thank you Paul for your energy, attitude and inspiration.

Thanks also go out to Peter Green for keeping the fans up-to-date at this sad time. I also pay tribute to Nick for supporting Neil and Tim on stage. It was greatly appreciated by the fans and those on stage at the Royal Albert Hall gigs. I'll also never forget the image of the unaccompanied snare drum at the front of the stage. Very appropriate guys. Paul's magic lives on in our hearts and minds.

"As is once will always be." (N.Finn)

Rich Hodgens,
Stafford, UK

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