At first I wasn�t going to write anything here because I feel unworthy of being called a fan. I only have
Recurring Dream and though I love it and the band, and have watched all episodes of
Hessie�s Shed but one, I still don�t know half as much Crowded House or Finns as all of you Frenz here. I don�t own any other album of theirs and I�ve never seen any member play live, or met them. I never even knew quite how special and amazing Paul was � even more than I ever surmised � until I read quotes from his close friends in news reports. But after reading some of your posts, I�ve realised that as someone who has also been touched by their music and by Paul�s overall goodness, it�s the best thing I can contribute to this lovely man�s memory, at a time when we all feel so lost without him, and I feel so helpless.
I heard of his passing in the wee hours of the 28th, when I�d woken up to news of the earthquake. I read it in the running news tab actually. Upon seeing the start of the sentence �Drummer Paul�� I thought, if it�s Paul Hester, please,
please don�t let it be bad news�
My first reaction was disbelief. I still can�t believe it. It�s impossible. He was such a wonderful, bright spark of a man. I�d heard that he suffered some kind of depression when he left CH, but seeing him on TV or hearing him on the radio, I thought he was okay. But he must have been hiding his pain all the time. Another person remarked in their post how ironic it was that he gave us so much joy while he was suffering so much pain inside.
Then I wondered:
WHY?I can�t help thinking that someone could have done something to help. We could have helped. I could have helped. (Strange how we feel so close to him! I never even saw him in public, let alone met him!) But he never gave us any warning. Or maybe we weren�t listening closely enough.
I don�t think he knew how much we loved, and still love him. I know when I get depressed, which is often, I feel completely alone, like no one in this world loves, appreciates or understands me. But even that seems impossible. Surely he must have known � there�s so many of us! But then why,
why did he leave us this way?
Just weeks ago I was thinking of getting all obsessed over CH and getting everything they�ve ever released. I�d got into the band (just scratching the surface really) when I was twelve. I�d somehow got
Weather With You and
Better Be Home Soon in my head and was singing them. I got
Recurring Dream and started to find out general information on the band. Hess was appearing on
Martin/Molloy a bit then, and then
Hessie�s Shed was on, so I glimpsed a bit of his magic, and became enamoured by him. I made a Valentine�s Day card for him and asked Peter Green where to send it in an email (�bet it�s for Neil�), but I never sent it because�well, I was just a bit shy. Now I wish I had. If I could find it now, I�d be happy just to put it on his grave�oh God.
I still haven�t managed to cry yet, but Paul, please don�t think I don�t love you. I want you back more than anything. I just can�t yet believe you�re really gone.
My tears, when they come, and my heart that bleeds continually, goes out to the girls, their mother, Paul�s immediate and extended family, and everyone who has ever been touched by him and mourn his loss.
Who knows � maybe I never will be able to believe you�re gone. Maybe that�s how you will live on in my memory.
Big hugs, old man. I love you.
_____
PS. Hey, I love his brushes too!
PPS. I was already thinking of using Paul as my future son�s middle name, in tribute of Paul Hester, Paul Dempsey and Paul Kelly. I guess now it�s set in stone.