A blond, a redhead and a brunette walk into a bar. The brunette asks the bartender for a "CL" He's puzzled for only a moment, then catches on. "Coors Light for the lady" The redhead asks for a "DB" - that's an easy one, Bud draft. The blonde asks for a "15"
The bartender scratches his head, looks around, then gives up.
Hope things turn around for you soon, and I hope you like them cheeeezy.
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated AAARRRRHHH
Anyone from the South, please don't take these personally.
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 09. Checkmate. 08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 05. I don't have a favorite college team. 04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
A naked blonde walks into a bar, with a two foot salami under one arm and a poodle under the other. The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink". The blonde lady says, "OoooooooooOOOOHHHH ****...."
(courtesy of the movie "The Breakfast Club." And no, it isn't supposed to make sense - Judd Nelson admitted years later that that joke never did have a punchline, but since that whole movie makes me laugh anyway, particularly the "sanitised-for-your-extreme-amusement TV edit" in the United States, I thought I'd mention it here.)
Not sure if you've heard any Ole and Lena jokes, this is a variation:
Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel. "Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von." Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me." "Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride." Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun. After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. "Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat." "Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me. "Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster. Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole said that it wasn't so bad. After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. "Uffdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it." "Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole."Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line." "Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me." "Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by yimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay.
Thia blonde decides she needs some money fast, so she goes up to a playground and finds a child and pins a note to his shirt "If you ever want to see your son again you'll give me $10,000 and leave it under the tree by the blue bench by 9am tomorrow signed 'the blonde'." the next morning the blonde walks up to the blue bench and finds a paper bag and she looks in the paper bag, finds $10,000 and is all excited she has money now. She also finds a note saying "how could one blonde do this to another!"
On a crowded bus, an elderly lady overhears an Italian man talking to his friend:
"Emma come-a first. Den I come. Den-a two asses push-a together, den I come again. De two asses push together one more-a time, den I come. Den, pee once, and pee again. Den, I come-a again and we all done."
The lady can restrain herself no more and chastizes the Italian man for discussing his sexual exploits so offensively and in public.
"Hey-a lady," he answers, "Why you gett-a so ezzcited? Ima justa tellin' ma friend-a here how to spella Mississippi!"
A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, shedecided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery, reery fass back to me." Once again, she obliged. Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex."
Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chung replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"
Any engineers out there? Some of these are bad, and some are... worse! Well, you asked for jokes and that's what you get, not my fault.
For those engineers amongst you - tough. > >Understanding Engineers - Take One >Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, >"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, >"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when >beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the >ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." >The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes >probably wouldn't have fit you." > >Understanding Engineers - Take Two >To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is >half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to >be. > >Understanding Engineers - Take Three >A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a >particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with >these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor >chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! " The >pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a >word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George, say, what's with that >group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens >keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They >lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we >always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a >moment. >The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer >for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to >contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do >for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" > >Understanding Engineers - Take Four >What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil >Engineers? >Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets. > >Understanding Engineers - Take Five >"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. >Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough >features yet." > >Understanding Engineers - Take Six >An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was >better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he >enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring >relationship. >The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the >passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." >"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will >each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go >to the office and get some work done." > >Understanding Engineers - Take Seven >An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him >and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He >bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke >up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful >princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the >frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. >The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a >princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the >engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his >pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you >I'm a >beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything >you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an >engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now >that's cool."
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