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Oh niece has said a couple a doozies to me!!!

First, let me explain...I'm 34 and single...

A couple of years ago my niece said to me "Jennifer, when are you going to be a grown up?"
I said, "But I am a grown-up"
She replied, "No you're not, you don't have a life"

Eeker OUCH!!! Eeker

The same day she had said something to my mom about her being an antique....

Just this summer (now she's 8) she asked me when I was going to have a husband..and then she said "Don't you want to have children?"

I swear she is channeling my deceased Grandma...
My kids have provided us with a few laughs over the years. Once, when my twins were at the library, there was a woman there wearing a mini skirt, trying to look attractive I suppose. My son took a long look at her rather short skirt, and after awhile asked her; "didn't you have enough material to finish your dress?"
The woman was pretty upset and my wife died of embarassment.

A couple of months ago our four-year-old daughter, doubtless after hearing us lecturing our twins about using their brains a little more, asked in all seriousness; "mom, why aren't the boys as smart as me?"
One of the ones I thought of after reading this was my first cousin, Natalie. When she was 8, I was probably 24, and I'd had moderate acne for some years. But I was so used to it that I really never thought of it except for when my mother made disapproving faces at me and tsk tsk.

One day, Natalie is sitting with me in her kitchen, and blurts out, "WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE PIMPLES!!!"
Just the other day, we were coming out of Annie's day care after dropping her off for the day. A little kid named Michael was running toward the door, past his very slow grandma. Michael immediately begins to cry, and turns around with his palms in the air because apparently, he's hurt them.

Then Simon yells....

Man, Michael's a wuss! He's not even bleeding!

Also, since we've been trying again for a baby over the last several months, we've had the kids say some interesting things to us. If I need to take a pregnancy test, I usually let Annie watch the color spill over after I've peed on it (because she's interested and it's exciting). So she'll ask "Are you on your period yet?" and if I say not yet, it's, "Well, are you going to pee on that stick now?"

Sometimes we need a few moments to ourselves after a hard day, where we just want to be with each other without kids...last week Annie stopped her brother from coming up to bother us by yelling, "SIMON! She's ERVUL-LATING! They need to make the baby now!" And then we heard Simon giggle and say, " they're up there doing ess, eeh, ecks! OOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!" (laughter.) If we had a mood killer....

(And of course...several childlike honesty references in my CityPaper article at [URL=][/URL]
As with all parents there comes a time when 'pet' names for certain areas of the anatomy have to cross over....or at last combine.

My 4 yr old had a list of questions, all of which I had answered to the best of my ability.

A few days later he came into our bedroom and I wasn't exactly fully clothed. He pointed to a certain area and proclaimed 'mammy where's your peanuts?'
(Briefly pops head out of sand to contribute the following funnies from my 6-year-old son...)

I had to go to the lab to get my blood drawn for the standard battery of pregnancy-related tests, and Sime came with me. (Keep in mind it's a small place, so everyone can hear all this stuff and they are all laughing like crazy.) We're being checked in and the nurse asks him, "So, cutie, how many children are there at your house?"

He replies, "Three, except one hasn't been born yet, and four if you count the beagle. He's my fuzzy brother who eats Mommy's underpants a lot. I don't eat underpants but I chew on my shirt sometimes so Mommy calls me her little goat."

Later, we're sitting there, I'm waiting my turn to get the blood drawn, as an elderly lady is having hers done first. He yells, "Hey Mommy! That old lady has a baby in her tummy, too!" I explain, "Well, honey, she isn't having a baby. Everyone in here is having their blood looked at by a doctor for a different reason." He pipes up, "OH! I bet the doctor wants to see if that lady's been eating too much chocolate!"

Then I have to go into the bathroom to produce a urine sample, and he's in there with me. He yells, "Mommy! You can't pee in a cup very well...YOU'RE A GIRL! I can help you with that, because I have a penis. So hand me the cup and I'll just take care of that for you, OK?" (I could hear the laughter through the wall...)

(and by the way...I've been sparser on the forum lately because I'm not feeling very well...sick and exhausted. They say, the sicker you get, the better it's going. So I suspect this one is going very well! We've already passed the point at which we lost the other one, but I'll feel better for several reasons when we're past the old 3-month mark about a month from now! Best wishes to all of you and you're in my thoughts!)
OK, so last weekend my 8-year-old daughter and I go to a bridal shower for a lady I grew up with, hosted by a relatively proper church lady.

The hostess calls us all into the dining room where the buffet is set up, and I absolutely blanche because there's literally nothing on this table I can remotely eat (like chicken-and-grape salad and some horrible concoction involving mandarin oranges). I'm standing there trying not to run for the bathroom at the sight of this food my pregnancy-finicky-state refuses to allow, and my daughter blurts out very loudly and during a moment of relative silence...

"Mom, this food looks NASTY!"

She was right, of course...but...40 women are suddenly glaring at me. At which point I did this ridiculous tap-dance that explained I'm pregnant, having food difficulties, and Annie knows what foods I'm having an aversion to. Then, of course, everyone was so pleasantly surprised to hear we are pregnant, the embarrassment went away, because's a believable excuse! (WHEW...)

I ate nothing but spring rolls and bread at the lunch, and we hit the drive-through on the way home!
Oh, I feel for ya Heidi... I do remember that awful part of not wanting to eat hardly anything.... I lived on bread and fruit, and I couldn't even look at raw chicken... bought canned chicken for the next year, I think! Hope this stage passes quickly for you!

I was in a grocery store with my 3-yr-old Trevor. He noticed a woman getting something off a shelf, and apparently she dropped it (I had my back turned so I didn't see what happened exactly). Trevor asked her loudly, "Having problems?" I nearly died and the woman answered something about having trouble with her wrists and holding onto things. She was mildly amused, I think, but then every other aisle we saw her on, Trevor would shout out "That lady was having PROBLEMS!!"

"Here, Trevor, eat some raisins!" Roll Eyes
Last night as Simon was going to bed he said he wanted to say goodnight to the baby. So I pulled my shirt up and showed him where on my belly to talk to.

He says:

Hi you in there, I'm your big brother, Simon. When you come outta there I'm going to be one of the ones who loves you and takes care of you. Try not to make our Mommy too sick, OK? And when you come out, I'll help change your diapers but don't pee in Mommy's face. So goodnight!
How cute are these stories? Simon's chat with Heidi's tummy left me with a lump in my throat. What a great kid.
Having no kids of my own, I can relate to Auntie Jenn's stories the best. I remember taking my youngest neice swimming (she 3, me 15) and her announcing at the dinnertable to everyone afterwards: "Annie took me swimming, and it sure was fun, but did you guys know that she has a furry part?" Eeker
The same kid streaked out of her room during a dinner party, wearing only a pair of my sister's undies on her head (naturally her nastiest pair, and the dog, Pepper, had chewed the crotch right out). I intend to remind her of this incident, but perhaps I'll wait until her wedding day. Smiler
Oh my GOD!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL......Anne, I was HOWLING! (Something I needed today, thanks!)

A couple of weeks ago, we rented and watched "Chicago." The plot was pretty much over the kids' heads but I thought they'd like the singing and dancing and costumes. So all four of us watched it together.

Now fast forward to last night...I was on a writing deadline and absolutely had to get this piece finished last night. Jay was stuck at work all evening, so I had to goaltend the kids WHILE finishing my piece. I told the kids, "look...if you guys are nice to each other, play well together, stay out of my face and let me get my work done, then we can all bake a chocolate cake and I'll let you have some with your dinner."

Simon, not missing a beat, struts across the room, pretending he has big feather fans in his hands and wiggling his chest and flashing his eyes, and he sings, "You be good to Mama, MAMMA BE'S GOOD TO YOOOOOOOOO!" Tough to explain, but this little blond boy looked and sounded just like Queen Latifah when he did it, too. I was CRYING I was laughing so hard!
I woke the little dude up this morning, and like most kids, he wakes up hard. So I go in and rub his back and sing a little diddy to him almost every morning. This morning he says "Mom, this eye (pointing to right eye) won't wake up. Tell it a knock knock joke."

"OK," says I, "Knock knock"
"Who's there?" he asks
"Owl who?"
"Owl you know unless you open up?"

This for some reason sent him into peels of laughter, which of course, had me going too.
My sister just reminded me of one we said when we were younger. We were at my evil Grandma's pool in her retirement condo in Florida. A man got in the pool and started swimming laps. This was the 80s and he had REALLY bad hair plugs.

My sister, who was probably 10, maybe 12 (which makes me 13-15), starts walking around the perimeter of the pool kinda following him, and yelling across the whole pool to me:


All I could imagine was this guy hearing this and feeling hurt and completely un-self-confident from it. I was a clever kid, and in wanting her to shut up, yelled back:

"You're the leading cause of suicide."
I LOVE these stories! Laughing, crying, the whole deal.

I have two stories about myself, both involving my brother Paul embarrassing me.

First was when I was very young, 3 or 4. My brother Paul had a friend Wayne, who ended being my grade-school music teacher and the first black man I ever met. Well, I just loved Wayne, and I apparently used to ask my brother "when the chocolate man was coming over." Paul of course told Wayne this, and Wayne proceeded to trot out this story in class when I was in third or fourth grade. Red Face My own blunt honesty coming back to haunt me!

Now, 30 years later, Paul is getting me again, and this time I don't have "children's blunt honesty" to blame! I'll start from the beginning so bear with me...

I used to work in a store that sold all kinds of odds and ends as well as old scientific equipment. We would get a lot of artists, students "drug manufacturers" in the store. One in particular was often "doing quality control" on her products while in the store and she took a shine to my friend Jack. She would try to make coversation with him in her peculiar, slurred, marbles-in-her-mouth way, and she used to call him "Sparkly" (I think because he had pretty eyes). So to this day whenever we hear someone talking in an odd way, we refer to it as a Sparkly voice.

Well, there is an actor who's one of those people you see in a million things but you don't know his name. I finally found out his name is Harry Lennix. He's been on "e.r." and other tv shows, and was most recently in the Matrix Reloaded. He's quite good-looking so I tend to notice him. Every time I see him on something, I always end up asking Noel "hey, is that the sparkly black guy from e.r.?" because he has that kind of voice.

Recently the Matrix came up in conversation with my brother Paul and he mentioned something about his friend playing Commander Lock. I couldn't place who Paul was talking about so Noel blurts out "You know, the sparkly black guy!" Paul, completely confused by this statement out of context (who wouldn't be?), just paused and said "I'll have to tell him that." Red Face

If I every meet Harry Lennix, he's going to think I'm a lunatic.
You can always tell when a kid starts school.....they pick up all sorts of suprising little insults.

My youngest was using the loo and wanted me to leave him in peace, but what he said took me quite by suprise.

'Mammy....go away.....GO AWAY LOSER!!!!'
I was half expecting him to make an L shape on his forhead.

My nephew was totally mesmorised when my sister developed her pregnancy bump. Unfortunately everyone with a gut (or sometimes without) was asked whether they were carrying a baby too....including my Dad Big Grin
I dont know if this is a lil much for the forum, if your easily offended dont go past HERE!

i have a lil 12 yr old brother, an i really WISH he had grown out of the kiddie bluntness, but the other day, i walk in for a visit and the first thing he said was "Hey benny!! i found a pube last night!! but i pulled it out, so im back to 0.. wish i didn't do that" LOL i didn't know what to say, i just said "well done" and kept walking.

and im not even gonna say what he asked me on a crowded bus not long ago, hes hit the curious age about .. certain things and picks the worst time to ask me about it lol

years ago, when i was in my twenties (eons ago then), i used to go out with a girl who was divorced and who had two kids aged 4 and 1 and who, by the way, i loved to little pieces.

one day the 4 year old, christopher, was chatting on the phone to one of his l'il buddies and i called to him to hurry up as we were heading off to the park.

'i'll be just a minute den', he said as i think all 4 year olds must say at least a dozen times a day. his buddy must have asked him who 'den' was 'cos i heard him whisper into the phone 'den's my daddy when my real daddy isn't here'.

sadly, things didn't work out (they don't when they're nice do they) and i didn't stay his 'daddy' but i still get a bit melancholy when i remember that. Frowner
We now go to Family Swim Night at a local pool on Friday nights. It gives me needed exercise and is helping us teach the kids how to swim. Simon has graduated from a kickboard to a single float tied around his waist, because he just needs to know how to move his arms.

"Move them just like a big propeller," I say, demonstrating, "in big, wide circles, one after the other."

"But I don't wanna!" he complains.

"But you want to learn how to swim, right? That's how you do it!"

"Look," he answers matter-of-factly. "When I took the job, there was nothing in the job description about this!"

* * * *

Annie's homework assignment was to form a story with a plot, a scene, and characters out of a list of nouns she'd been given. I was supervising her.

"You know," I said, "You could get really creative and make any one of these things a character in your a talking tree, or a fire hydrant that eats dogs, or a mailbox that's lonely because it never gets any letters itself, or a street that sucks down all the cars that run red lights..."

"Um, mom..." she said, "I'm not trying to be mean but could you just be quiet now please? I can't do my homework with you yapping like that!"

* * * *

We had just gone to see "School of Rock," which really intrigued and delighted Simon. "What did you learn about rock and roll from that movie?" I asked.

"That rock and roll is about sticking it to the man," he said.

"YES!" I yelled. "And who are some examples of the man?"

"President Bush," he said.


"My teacher."


...and then out of nowhere, he yells the name of my husband's boss...and I HOWL!!!! High five to the kid on that one!!!!
My 9 year old niece and I were trying on sunglasses at a store last weekend.

I put on a pair of sunglasses, faced her, and said "Don't these sunglasses look really '70's'?"

She replied, "Yeah, those sunglasses make you look like you're in your seventies."

Big Grin Big Grin

I'm still laughing about that one....

I did buy the sunglasses.

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