Ok, verse 1 re-write:
You sing my dirty creature to the bottom of the lake.
A curse upon my wretched life, your gentle voice can break.
Your burning constellation brings my darkened sky to light.
A breath of inspiration, drawing colour to my sight.
Much better, methinks. Hopefully now I can move on and write the rest of the song. I had had just a little too much to drink when I posted the 1st draft and was thinking the next day, "Geez, you could have worked that more before airing it in public", but you know what? It is a process, which I actually feel quite comfortable sharing around here.